better late than absent


"better late than absent…" says A**** on his message for my birthday.

last night was very wonderful experience for me. i don’t even have a little clue that the A Team were planning a dinner to celebrate my birthday. all the time i was thinking that it was a welcome party for our new Nihongo Sensei as what Mi-sensei said. they even gone to the place first for the reservation then i would bring the rest of the team to the restaurant after 30 minutes since we were still working and wrapping things up.

we started our welcome party with a "kampai" welcoming our new "sensei"(teacher). then we help ourselves on the food in front of us. we were joking, and chatting while savoring those delicious foods…. in short we were having fun( well we should, we have been working too hard)… laughing…. teasing…. etc. then as we were about to call for our bill, the waiter approach our table, with him was a yummy cake with 3 lighted candles…. then the team starts singing "Happy Birthday To You"… wow… music to my ears…. they were so sweet… after a while L hand me over a paper bag with a present inside.. it was a scrap book with some pictures and messages from the past A trainees, A team and others… we slowly peruse the scrap book.. with a beautiful message on the first page… then some of my pictures…. F***, they even have this pix of mine which looks very young and innocent(hehehe) but now that young face of mine was gone…. well i’ve grown old….hehehe then we read those amusing messages from my previous trainees(Batch 5 to Batch 8) .. reminiscing those bad and experiences they had with me…they even got their revenge on me. they posted my picture sleeping while holding my very own!emoticon Damn you guys!!! you got me there…. ehehehehehe some would say they hate me.. but in the end they thanked me… after a while i had my wish and blew the 3 candles(am glad its 3 only, rather than 30, then i would probably be out of air) ehehehe. the air filled with greetings and thanking…. the other clap their hands and smiling…then i had my speech… thanking the A Team. Indeed it was a very very beautiful gift they had for me. they made me happy even thought i feel sad turning 30….

To the A Team, my A Babies and other who wrote for me. HONTONI ARIGATOU GOZAIMASHITA!!!emoticon…. the welcome party ends up on a birthday celebration…

pieces of me 2


I don’t know what i hope to get out of this blog but i hope as i post my thoughts and read your comments, hopefully i will be able to accept that the days of my twenties is over (even the thought makes me loose the will to live). My twenties has been the greatest decade of my life; the experiences of my 20th to date has moulded me to the very man I am today, shaped my beliefs and the values that are fundamental to my existence. Even as I write this, I feel butterflies in my stomach and can’t really put a finger on what it is, maybe it is the feeling of excitement or that of fear mixed with anxiety. What really kicked this off? I had this friend of mine who even throw a very big party celebrating her day turning 30. She said, turning 30 is not a thing to be sad or fear of, but rather something to be excited off because there will be more in life to discover. What! 30! I remember when I was in my teens, I looked at my uncles and cousins that were 30 and I use to think to myself it’s going to be eternity before I clock 30 and to suddenly realise that I am on the last leg, the eve, the penultimate year of my 30 sends this thrill down my spine like gosh 30!

I read a comment on the internet saying you don’t really know what you want out of life until you’re 30. At first I disagreed but somehow I saw an element of truth in the statement. I have always been focused in life even at an early age. I knew what I wanted out of life and had set my goals to achieve them. But as I have eventually found out in my twenties that life always has a different plan for you and things don’t always turn out as you plan them but the key is to know how to re-evaluate, re-align and re-position. I guess conceding to this comment is refusing to accept that you have failed in achieving some of your goals and giving yourself credit for the little you managed to achieve- simply put: having another go!

I think at 30, you finally come to accept that you no longer have the youthful energy of your twenties, the innocence and naivety of your teen and the child mind you had in your toddler years to be objective and unhindered. You finally realized after the rollercoaster experience of the last 29 years and insurmountable mountain of 40 in the not to distant vicinity; after carefully taking stock of your losses and your wins and knowing you’re old enough to feel aches and pains, but not old enough to be offered a seat on a bus or train; you cautiously re-evaluate: minimising your exposure to risk in light of the responsibilities you now bear; re-align: prioritize and re-focus your goals to align with responsibilities that needs to be met; and you re-position: embrace the dross of prime time TV now that your best clubbing days are behind you.

an ant hill


* you ever look at an anthill?

- yes

* ever step in one?

- no, but i saw another boy step in one.

* what did the ants do? they all ran around all over the place, but they didn’t leave the hill, and they rebuilt it. that’s the way it is with war, little or great. people just go on. they get right up and they go on because they have to have water and bread and a roof, and they start again no matter what happens. and one day you can be grabbed by the soldiers and sold as a slave, and the next day they won’t even see you pass by. because it’s over. somebody said it was over.

green bed


It smelled good to me, better than any perfume, and when I passed under the branches of the trees, the ground became soft. A little wind was coming from down in the valley that I could see, and it caught the trees almost one at a time. I loved the rustling of the leaves above me. I walked on up the slope until I was out in the grass again, were the grass was thick, and there I lay down. It was damp there, because it had rained in the night, but it was good. I looked off towards the village. I could see men and women working in the vegetable gardens, and beyond that the farmers in the fields. People were picking weeds out of the earth. That’s what it looked like to me.

But my mind was on the groves of trees here and there, and far away, and the blue of the sky. I lost myself. I felt loose. I felt my skin. It was as if I was humming and the humming filled my ears, but I wasn’t humming. And it was so sweet. It was the way I felt sometimes before I went tosleep. I wasn’t drowsy. I wasn’t sleeping. I lay still on the grass and I heard little tiny creatures around me in the grass. I even saw the flutter of little wings. I looked right before me, and there was a world of them, these tiny creatures, so very tiny, tumbling over the pieces of grass. I let my eyes move slowly towards the trees. They had the wind in them again and were dancing back and forth. The leaves of the trees looked silver in the sunlight, and they never stopped moving even when the breeze died away.

The earth was a bed under me. The cries of the birds were a song. They streaked across the sky above me so fast I could barely see them. Sparrows. And then beside me, I saw right in front of me tiny flowers growing in the grass, so very little I hadn’t notice them before, flowers with white petals and yellow hearts. The breeze grew strong and the branches above me moved with it. Leaves came down in a shower, a silent rain.

But a woman was coming. She came out of the groves of trees down teh hill and made her way up towards me. I knew I should get up our of respect for her, but i felt so good here on the sweet grass adn that humming was going on as if I was doing it, all through me, and I only looked at her as she came. I didn’t have sense enough to know it, but these moments on teh grass under the tree had been the first time in my whole life that I’d ever been alone. I only knew that this peace was broken, and had to be broken. What was time that I could spend it here staring until the world lost all its hard edges? Finally, I climbed to my feet, and I felt as if I was waking up from deep sleep.

deep sleep


My whole body hurt me--my shoulders, my hips, my knees--but i could sleep. I could dream.

For the first time it seemed to me that sleep was a place. When i look back on it, I know that up to that point in my life, i always fought sleep. i never really wanted to run away into it. Even when I was afraid in the hills and the fires were burning, I wanted the fire to go away, the angry bandits to go away. I didn't want to flee into sleep. Flee into my mother's arms, yes. Flee to our own safe house, yes. But not to sleep.

But now, in this sickness, when my shoulders and legs were hurting me, if felt good to tumble down into deep sleep.

strange creature


*Is that all you can do? this strange creature asked me.

He stood very close to me, handsome in his rich clothing, his blue eyes full of anger even though he smiled. I put my hands to my face. I wouldn’t look. I heard his voice in my ear:

*I’m watching you, angel child!, he said. * I’m waiting to see what you mean to do. So go on: walk like a child, eat like a child, play like a child, work like a child. But I’m watching. And I may not know the future, no, but i knoww this: your mother’s a whore, your father’s a liar, and the floors of your house are dirt. Your cause is lost, I know it’s lost, it’s lost every day and every hour, and you know it is. You think your little miracles will help these foolish people? I tell you, chaos rules. And I am its Prince.

it is my birthday today....